My Own Secret Boyfriend

Mrs. G has a whole stable of "secret boyfriends," and her collection keeps growing. If she can have so many, I figure I can have just one—one who is living anyway. I think Gregory Peck doesn't count. So, I choose Anthony Bourdain, the scrawny, cynical, foul-mouthed, smoking curmudgeon who cooks. He also writes, travels, and eats. And he's hungry for more.

I have a very, very bad cold and have been laid up since Sunday. You know it's bad when you start putting Chapstick on your nose for the tissue burns. Have you ever tried blowing your nose while taking your temperature? I'm not sure it can be done. I have been sniffing and coughing painfully and moaning about the sinus pressure. I have been drinking tea with Kalua and eating clam chowder. My hair is flat on one side because I keep falling asleep on the couch. Through all of this, the Travel Channel has entertained me with a No Reservations marathon.

In No Reservations, Anthony Bourdain travels the world, meets the locals, and eats what they eat. "If it walks on four legs, is slower and stupider than I am, and tastes reasonably good; pass the salt," he says. He doesn't go for the shock factor like Andrew Zimmern of Bizarre Foods, but he does eat some unusual things. Modern Americans have cleansed and de-animalized our food so much, anything recognizable like a foot or a snout or a tongue is unusual and unpleasant.

One of the things I appreciate about Bourdain is that he prefers the food of the common people to the food of the more privileged. I know what a steak looks like and how a soufflé tastes. I don't know about the traditional food of the people in the mountains of Peru, and I don't know about the traditional dishes of Russia or Singapore or even Cleveland. Yes, Cleveland. Anthony spent a few days there eating skyline chili and Polish food and wandering around with Harvey Pekar.

Some people see Bourdain as a reluctant celebrity chef or food star because he is so critical of Food Network cooks like Rachel Ray—oh my gosh, does he ever hate Rachel Ray!—but I think he kind of likes his celebrity. He's too good in front of the camera not to.

I first met him in Kitchen Confidential, and now he helps me travel and taste the world. My secret boyfriend Anthony says, "I know there's deep inside (me) some lazy hippie who'd be perfectly happy to lay on the couch, smoke weed and watch `The Simpsons' all day - I'm really afraid of that guy. I don't like him. I don't want him around. And my whole life is kind of constructed to avoid reverting to that guy: Stay busy. Stay focused. Try not to mess up." That's my boy.