My mother used a line a few times when I was a teenager that goes like this: why do you want to look like that when you could be pretty? I was assured of heading off to school full of self-confidence and a healthy level of self-esteem every time I heard it. Her perception of beauty was different from mine evidently, based on an old southern standard of femininity--curled hair, ruffled collars, "darling outfits," makeup at all times. My perception of beauty was based on nothing, I think, because during my teenage years, beauty wasn't a priority. Torn jeans, baggy shirts, scruffy tennies--those were all appropriate for school. I didn't own a container of makeup until I was 18, and even then I didn't know how to use it.
My mother's line haunts me still when I look in the mirror. I don't know why that is because I have grown into my own--I am nearly 45 years old, for Pete's sake, so barbs from my youth should be long buried, I would think. I do put a little effort into my appearance now, although my definition still doesn't fit the old southern standard. I prefer the current Dove campaign--beauty at any age, any size, any style. Makeup or no makeup. Curls or no curls.
When my oldest daughter was two, we were playing our way through a toy store when the sales woman remarked about my daughter. She was adorable and not too big. "You don't want a girl to be too big," she said. Stunning. What does "too big" mean exactly, and why do we care if a little girl is large or small? My guess is the woman would have said the opposite had my child been a boy.
When I think how various cultures have defined beauty and what women have done to themselves to achieve it, I wonder why we have always gone to extremes for the sake of vanity. Why would women allow their feet to be bound so they can no longer walk? Why would women allow their necks to be stretched with rings so they can no longer swallow solid food? Why would women coat their faces with poison for the sake of pale skin or bake in the sun for the sake of a tan or wear corsets so tight they need a fainting couch or wear heels so high their toes become malformed and their tendons become damaged or rip off unwanted hair with hot wax or surgically alter their bodies for bigger or smaller this and that? I am baffled.
I would like to declare an end to setting standards for outward beauty that require physically altering the human form. I would like to declare the human form to be beautiful enough, and if you would like to see it looking like something else, then paint a picture. Paint a Picasso.
Sidenote: having ranted a bit, I will still wear a hint of makeup and shave my legs but only because it doesn't hurt.
My mother's line haunts me still when I look in the mirror. I don't know why that is because I have grown into my own--I am nearly 45 years old, for Pete's sake, so barbs from my youth should be long buried, I would think. I do put a little effort into my appearance now, although my definition still doesn't fit the old southern standard. I prefer the current Dove campaign--beauty at any age, any size, any style. Makeup or no makeup. Curls or no curls.
When my oldest daughter was two, we were playing our way through a toy store when the sales woman remarked about my daughter. She was adorable and not too big. "You don't want a girl to be too big," she said. Stunning. What does "too big" mean exactly, and why do we care if a little girl is large or small? My guess is the woman would have said the opposite had my child been a boy.
When I think how various cultures have defined beauty and what women have done to themselves to achieve it, I wonder why we have always gone to extremes for the sake of vanity. Why would women allow their feet to be bound so they can no longer walk? Why would women allow their necks to be stretched with rings so they can no longer swallow solid food? Why would women coat their faces with poison for the sake of pale skin or bake in the sun for the sake of a tan or wear corsets so tight they need a fainting couch or wear heels so high their toes become malformed and their tendons become damaged or rip off unwanted hair with hot wax or surgically alter their bodies for bigger or smaller this and that? I am baffled.
I would like to declare an end to setting standards for outward beauty that require physically altering the human form. I would like to declare the human form to be beautiful enough, and if you would like to see it looking like something else, then paint a picture. Paint a Picasso.
Sidenote: having ranted a bit, I will still wear a hint of makeup and shave my legs but only because it doesn't hurt.
Comments
I think I speak for the entire blog community when I say we would LOVE to see you in curled hair, a ruffled collar, a "darling outfit," and makeup, Robyn.
And "nearly forty-five years old"? I've just told off young Prudence for moaning about being that young. You kids. Ha!
As for the human form being beautiful … I occasionally catch sight of myself in the bathroom mirror, and after screaming for a bit I can only conclude that no sane God could ever have created THAT! Ew!
Although the bound feet, I'm not sure women in that era of China had a whole lot of say in what could or couldn't happen to their bodies.
sounds like me on the weekends ;))
Gina, you're probably right about some women not having a say about what happens to them. But I still don't understand a lack of uprising.
Rich, Barbies are the cause of all evil. Don't forget your stockings with that lovely weekend getup of yours.
Robyn how strange to read your post, made me feel good!!!as a couple of days ago, 2 of my sister in laws, set upon me with the words, about time you went back to your proper hairstyle, you look really old with your hair like that, and they kept going on for ages.....considering the old fashioned way they look, I zipped the lips, and just said they were entitled to their opinion, but as I take them everywhere in my car, shopping,Doctor's appt etc, and look after them a lot...felt very hurt....
They say sticks and stones will break my bones, but words can never hurt me... well they were wrong!!!!
Your hair is gorgeous! It's actually youthful. Your sisters-in-law are just jealous.
I don't think we really outgrow our motherly barbs. I can still hear my mother calling me a slut whenever I look the least bit sexy.
That reminds me of a joke, but perhaps I should skip over to my own blog as to not soil Robyns!
Pru, I'll have to stop by to look for your joke.
My mother's favorite line to me every single time she saw me looking at myself in the mirror was, "So, what are you so fascinated with?"
She guarded against vanity like it was something filthy. Once when I stupidly asked her if she thought I was pretty (I was 12 and dearly needed to hear that I was), she said, "You are a very nice, clean girl. Pretty isn't anything to strive for."
To this day, if I buy anything soft or sexy or even just pretty for myself, I have this inner voice telling me that I am vain.
And then we went and had daughters, huh?
It was clear to me from the day that Liv was born that she MUST know that I thought she was exactly right, no matter what she looked like.
The most important voice she hears is mine. I want it to be the one that says, "You are fine, as is." Not the one that asks her if she finds herself fascinating.
My mother was a caustic acid dripping queen and its taken me 35 years and a battle with bulimnia to finally put to bed the negativity she spread unaware of what she was saying or doing.
I have to agree with Rich, Barbie has caused more self esteem damage than anything on the planet.
Even after their introduction the brunette barbie was never as popular as the blonde version.
We refrain from telling our daughters that they are beautiful in an effort to curb vanity. At least thats what my grandmother used to say. Vanity was a sin.
Great post Robyn.
As for "Barbie" - we now have the real life version in Nicole Kidman and Elle MacPherson and Jennifer Hawkins - all have extremely long legs quite out of proportion with the rest of their bodies.
Alifan - words are definitely much more painful than sticks and stones and the memories do last a lifetime. Again, I remember my grandmother repeating that phrase to me often - I was a very sensitive child, living in a nightmare - I have the scars to prove it. Those sister in laws are very, very ungrateful. You should run late next time you're due to pick them up.