I hate spiders. That's nothing new. I mention that at every opportunity. When I smash them, which I also do at every opportunity, I usually mumble "bastard spider" as I wield the shoe or the rolled up magazine. I said that just this morning as I walked through the door way of my family room, and a strand of web caught me right on the nose. I never actually saw the crap thing that made it, but I said "bastard spider" just the same. I mumble something similar when I beat at the occasional wasp that flies through my living room--bastard wasp. My kids have come to expect it.
The other day when I was griping about the bird that had left a present on my new car, my daughter said, "so, what are you going to call it?" I wasn't sure what she was talking about until I realized I had forgotten "the word"--bastard bird. We were both satisfied after I said it.
It's a term used to describe a defective book that has come from the printers and has been cut unevenly--it's a bastard cut. I love finding those at work. I get to hold it up and exclaim, "Oh look! It's a bastard cut." With proper exaggerated emphasis on the first syllable, it always proves to be very gratifying. I can't explain why. It's not one of the foulest words I could use. It lacks the harsher consonants that make other words so gratifying when exclaiming.
I have decided to use it to describe certain types of people.
Bastard Driver: you're the one who impatiently rides my bumper when I am already going 15 miles above the speed limit in the passing lane.
Bastard Neighbor: you're the one who drives down the middle of the road and throws a cigarette butt out of your car window right in front of my house, even though we all know you have an ash tray.
Bastard Parent: you're the one who lets your kids ride that noisy four-wheeler unsupervised in your yard all day long, around and around in a circle, so that I have to keep my windows closed.
Bastard Barkeep: you're the one who lets your customers get so stinking drunk they pee in the mulch beds on main street. Is it any wonder all the bushes have died?
Bastard Trumpet Player: you're the one who plays as loudly and as piercingly as you possibly can because you think you're so funny, and when I have to cover my right ear in anticipation of the impending screech, you chuckle. I'll see you tonight at rehearsal, and I'll mumble your new special name as the panes rattle in the windows.
Hmmm. There must be more people types deserving of this satisfying word. They'll come to mind as the day goes on, I'm sure.
The other day when I was griping about the bird that had left a present on my new car, my daughter said, "so, what are you going to call it?" I wasn't sure what she was talking about until I realized I had forgotten "the word"--bastard bird. We were both satisfied after I said it.
It's a term used to describe a defective book that has come from the printers and has been cut unevenly--it's a bastard cut. I love finding those at work. I get to hold it up and exclaim, "Oh look! It's a bastard cut." With proper exaggerated emphasis on the first syllable, it always proves to be very gratifying. I can't explain why. It's not one of the foulest words I could use. It lacks the harsher consonants that make other words so gratifying when exclaiming.
I have decided to use it to describe certain types of people.
Bastard Driver: you're the one who impatiently rides my bumper when I am already going 15 miles above the speed limit in the passing lane.
Bastard Neighbor: you're the one who drives down the middle of the road and throws a cigarette butt out of your car window right in front of my house, even though we all know you have an ash tray.
Bastard Parent: you're the one who lets your kids ride that noisy four-wheeler unsupervised in your yard all day long, around and around in a circle, so that I have to keep my windows closed.
Bastard Barkeep: you're the one who lets your customers get so stinking drunk they pee in the mulch beds on main street. Is it any wonder all the bushes have died?
Bastard Trumpet Player: you're the one who plays as loudly and as piercingly as you possibly can because you think you're so funny, and when I have to cover my right ear in anticipation of the impending screech, you chuckle. I'll see you tonight at rehearsal, and I'll mumble your new special name as the panes rattle in the windows.
Hmmm. There must be more people types deserving of this satisfying word. They'll come to mind as the day goes on, I'm sure.
Comments
In Architecture, when the gap between windows for instance is not a whole number of bricks, they cut them and you get this ugly zipper effect going down the wall. That is known as the "bastard course". It happens a lot with modern buildings and lazy designers (not me)!
And spiders are our friends, Robyn.
Rich, you ought to be ashamed.
Every now and then I have to go around the house with my special broom, to clear the webs off the walls and ceilings. We have cathedral ceilings in the main wing of our house and this project can be quite challenging, especially when the chandelier is suspended fifteen feet above the ground!
As for the word "bastard", it is used commonly as a noun in Australia, rather than an adjective, e.g. "the rotten bastard" or "nasty bastard" or "selfish bastard" etc. Only when someone is referred to as "THAT bastard" is it really serious!!
Another favourite expression that we use is "Nil Bastardum Carborundum" (Don't let the bastards get/grind/wear you down). It's a fantastic word!
Bastard snails. that's where I'm at now! Yucky.
I'm more amused to hear about the trumpet player's antics. I sometimes suffer from a lack of confidence, and so from now on when I'm feeling that way I'll remember this story and make the windows rattle!
Snails....Slugs.. DD..do not even mention them.. they have devastated my new bedding plants.. and I hate slug pellets....give me spiders anyday...
We have a huge huntsman spider who cruises around our house, at night you'll usually find him hanging from the bedroom ceiling. A bit freaky at first but now we've named him Ralph and get kinda worried when we don't see him for a few days. When you live in Australia spiders are a fact of life.