I am not a soccer mom, not literally anyway. I am a tennis mom, though. I watch my kid play tennis every summer/fall when the girls' team season takes place. With each match, the moms gather to make sure they have enough water and snacks and the proper clothing. We sit in sling-back chairs and muffle our cheers and shout out encouragements--"Good shot, girls," "Nice serve"--stuff like that.
I like being a tennis mom for these reasons. On the other hand, I don't like being a tennis mom for some other reasons. It has become customary to shower the girls on the team with gifts with each match. Not only do they get the privilege of a school-sponsored program with coaches and nice courts, and they are fed sandwiches and fruit and cookies, now they also have to get little posters with their names plastered all over them. They get their lockers decorated at school. They get a big dinner at the end of the season with door prizes and games. It's not enough to earn a trophy, they have to go home with a personalized T-shirt and a beach bag so they'll "feel special."
That's the new phrase. We need the girls to "feel special." They are all little princesses, after all, and we need to make sure they know that. They've come to expect it, too. If they show up for a match and aren't heaped with gifts, they frown and pout. Who forgot to bring the goodies? I have a picture of my daughter in her tennis outfit and a princess crown with big fluffly feathers intended for a 6 year old. It makes me shudder every time I see it. This isn't an athlete, a person learning a sport and all the satisfaction that comes from the accomplishment. This is a "princess" who "feels special."
Here's an idea. They aren't special. They're just people like all the rest. Their rewards should come from accomplishments and strong character, not from childish crowns and treat bags filled with crap they'll throw away when they get home.
The boys' tennis team plays tennis. They practice, they take lessons, they show up to matches and perform. They drink water, eat a snack, and then go home with the knowledge they have accomplished something. I just saw them on the courts the other day in 45-degree temperatures and high winds. No one has gone overboard to make them "feel special," and no one dresses them up like childish princes with little crowns and scepters.
So, why do we treat the girls differently and why do we not allow them to know the joy of a simple accomplishment? And why do we think they need to "feel special" with gifts? I don't believe we are doing them any favors. I think we are crippling them for the future.
When they grow up and get out on their own, no one is going to shower them with gifts and treat them as if they are princesses just because they showed up for work and wore something cute. And no one is going to make them "feel special" just because they are girls. This year, now that I'm a senior tennis mom, I suspect I will not be very popular when I refuse to decorate lockers and when I refuse to dress the girls up like children and rob them of the "specialness" that comes from hard work and winning and losing and achieving.
I suspect I will not be asked to head up the banquet committee at the end of the season.
I like being a tennis mom for these reasons. On the other hand, I don't like being a tennis mom for some other reasons. It has become customary to shower the girls on the team with gifts with each match. Not only do they get the privilege of a school-sponsored program with coaches and nice courts, and they are fed sandwiches and fruit and cookies, now they also have to get little posters with their names plastered all over them. They get their lockers decorated at school. They get a big dinner at the end of the season with door prizes and games. It's not enough to earn a trophy, they have to go home with a personalized T-shirt and a beach bag so they'll "feel special."
That's the new phrase. We need the girls to "feel special." They are all little princesses, after all, and we need to make sure they know that. They've come to expect it, too. If they show up for a match and aren't heaped with gifts, they frown and pout. Who forgot to bring the goodies? I have a picture of my daughter in her tennis outfit and a princess crown with big fluffly feathers intended for a 6 year old. It makes me shudder every time I see it. This isn't an athlete, a person learning a sport and all the satisfaction that comes from the accomplishment. This is a "princess" who "feels special."
Here's an idea. They aren't special. They're just people like all the rest. Their rewards should come from accomplishments and strong character, not from childish crowns and treat bags filled with crap they'll throw away when they get home.
The boys' tennis team plays tennis. They practice, they take lessons, they show up to matches and perform. They drink water, eat a snack, and then go home with the knowledge they have accomplished something. I just saw them on the courts the other day in 45-degree temperatures and high winds. No one has gone overboard to make them "feel special," and no one dresses them up like childish princes with little crowns and scepters.
So, why do we treat the girls differently and why do we not allow them to know the joy of a simple accomplishment? And why do we think they need to "feel special" with gifts? I don't believe we are doing them any favors. I think we are crippling them for the future.
When they grow up and get out on their own, no one is going to shower them with gifts and treat them as if they are princesses just because they showed up for work and wore something cute. And no one is going to make them "feel special" just because they are girls. This year, now that I'm a senior tennis mom, I suspect I will not be very popular when I refuse to decorate lockers and when I refuse to dress the girls up like children and rob them of the "specialness" that comes from hard work and winning and losing and achieving.
I suspect I will not be asked to head up the banquet committee at the end of the season.
Comments
You know your girls are special; they don't need any silly crap to tell them that.
Over here, the "feeling special" thing reached the ridiculous extreme last year of schools banning the word "lose". Instead of losing, kids who were crap at stuff were labelled as having "deferred success". How awful is that going to make a kid feel? When I was doing sports at school and I lost at something, I tried harder until I won.
Stupid people …
Sorry for the rant.
You are so right about this Robyn. I agree I think there are many answers to this question and the first thing that comes to my mind is “guilt” Parents these days have gone to superhero lengths to make their kids happy. The reality is: we as parents should not be making them happy; rather they (the kids) need to find ways to explore their own happiness and sense of accomplishment. Rewards are ok but labeling girls as princess’ is way overboard in my opinion. Why set them up to go through life expecting this kind of treatment for everything they do?
I think you rock as a mum/mom because you will teach your daughter to question things and to have a mind of her own.
Treating girls as princesses makes them helpless. Why on earth would anyone want to neuter them that way? Gosh, so much I could say here.
Thanks, this is a lovely heartfelt post and will give me something to ponder for quite a while.
You are right though, no one is more "special" or deserving than anybody else.
Heard a story on NPR about this whole concept. It included an example of a pre-school song: "I am special, I am special, Look at ME!!" It starts young, eh?
Well, I wish you would do the end of the year banquet and turn them all on their ear, as they say. Knowing you, it would be an event to remember, I'd bet, where true value would come through for the team and the individuals.
Thanks for such an important rant.
You're right Robyn. These gifts and labels of Princess are superficial, misleading and frankly silly. Praise is good, essential even. When they win. That goes for boys or girls.
Also if EVERYONE 'must feel special' what's special about it?
Thanks for your comment on my art blog about the Norfolk painting Robyn! Get those paints out yourself and show us some.
Interestingly, I read Jane Eyre and To Kill a Mockingbird when I was quite young and was fascinated by them both too.