makes everything better. I have always been a very fearful person--afraid of my shadow, afraid of peripheral vision, afraid of spiders, afraid of snakes, afraid of deep water, afraid of roller coasters, afraid of public speaking, afraid of claustrophia-enducing enclosures, afraid of being seen or heard or criticized. A few years ago I wrote a story about an attempt to conquer my fears. Just writing the little piece was cathartic, but once I set out to chip away at all the little demons that plagued me, I quickly learned that facing them head on was the only solution. Tackling each one despite gripping anxiety would go a long way to recondition my responses to perceived threats, crawling things, putting my head under water.
Last night I went to an orchestra rehearsal for this coming weekend's Christmas concert. It was the first rehearsal in which I would play 2nd horn instead of 4th, and the bell of my horn would be facing a player with a masters in horn performance. I was concerned about it, not wanting to humiliate myself, but compared to how I would have reacted to that circumstance three or four years ago, mere concern was nothing I couldn't just stomp out with a big boot. A few years ago, my inner horn demon would have inflicted stomach cramps and nail biting and frantic chatter about what a loser I am and how there is no hope for me as a musician. But last night I determined to march into the rehearsal room, unpack my horn, sit in my assigned seat, and have fun playing Christmas pops. There wasn't a note I couldn't reach, not a rhythm I couldn't count for myself, not an exposed part I couldn't handle with glee (glee, I say, because it's Christmas).
I have no idea what the 3rd horn player thought of my playing, but I can honestly say that I don't care. Over the past few years, I have learned that I can put my head under water and not drown, I have ridden a roller coaster without smashing my skull on the pavement below, I have given an eloquent presentation in front of a room of local artists, and I have reconditioned myself to react to orchestra rehearsals with joy instead of dread. I tell you, it puts a smile on my face when I think about playing with that group, and my finger nails are better for it. Now, if I could figure out how to accept spiders as creations of God instead of tools of Satan, sent to earth to torment my creepy-crawly-hating soul.
I have gotten away from assignments in my posts, but here, I think it would do you all a service to suggest you name at least one fear that torments you, and then agree to face the damn thing head on.
Last night I went to an orchestra rehearsal for this coming weekend's Christmas concert. It was the first rehearsal in which I would play 2nd horn instead of 4th, and the bell of my horn would be facing a player with a masters in horn performance. I was concerned about it, not wanting to humiliate myself, but compared to how I would have reacted to that circumstance three or four years ago, mere concern was nothing I couldn't just stomp out with a big boot. A few years ago, my inner horn demon would have inflicted stomach cramps and nail biting and frantic chatter about what a loser I am and how there is no hope for me as a musician. But last night I determined to march into the rehearsal room, unpack my horn, sit in my assigned seat, and have fun playing Christmas pops. There wasn't a note I couldn't reach, not a rhythm I couldn't count for myself, not an exposed part I couldn't handle with glee (glee, I say, because it's Christmas).I have no idea what the 3rd horn player thought of my playing, but I can honestly say that I don't care. Over the past few years, I have learned that I can put my head under water and not drown, I have ridden a roller coaster without smashing my skull on the pavement below, I have given an eloquent presentation in front of a room of local artists, and I have reconditioned myself to react to orchestra rehearsals with joy instead of dread. I tell you, it puts a smile on my face when I think about playing with that group, and my finger nails are better for it. Now, if I could figure out how to accept spiders as creations of God instead of tools of Satan, sent to earth to torment my creepy-crawly-hating soul.
I have gotten away from assignments in my posts, but here, I think it would do you all a service to suggest you name at least one fear that torments you, and then agree to face the damn thing head on.
Comments
My fear? hmmm....yes, spiders to be sure, but also...having a very exposed keyboard passage and not being able to accurately execute it with style and expression.
Pianist friend
I'll have to read your other essay later. Must dash off to work!
Thanks for writing this post Robyn,
You know how hard you work when you're supposed to, so I think it's just a matter of giving yourself permission to "not earn your keep" during the off hours.
I wish I could be there for the big gig on saturday. Second horn! Woohoo! Well done. And to hear you writing so positively about it is great.
As for spiders; they are our friends. They are scrupulously clean and hunt and eat filthy, disease-spreading flies.
I'll have a think on that assignment.
spiders do serve a purpose, I recognize, but I'd rather they were nocturnal so I would never have to see them, kind of like opposums.
Average can be nice in that it's free of a lot of pressures, but average is not what I'd like to be.
And nocturnal spiders !!! Aren't they the ones that crawl into your mouth while you're asleep and drink your drool?
(Sorry, that's just gross).
The harvesting drives all the wildlife off the fields and into the surrounding houses. Our gardens are full of mad rabbits, our attics full of displaced mice and our houses overrun with great big field spiders. Brrr …
Old Knudson: I don't know why public speaking is such a common fear--the fear of rejection maybe, which is a pretty potent internal fear in itself.
Dive: Harvest Time sounds like the basis for a Stephen King novel. Yikes.